My tangled mind finally exploded into a thousand pieces and left me a quivering mass, just looking at the mess I had to clean up. I've managed to isolate myself from people who would be good friends with my inability to ask for help. I've forgotten how to take care of myself and my needs.
I looked back and see over the years my unconscience calls for help, for release, for comfort and safety. So I'm focusing on cleaning up the mess, one bit at a time. First trying to allow others to help, and asking for it. Knowing that one of my PTSD and anxiety triggers is my financial situation, I finally asked for a small portion of the inheritance from Grandma. I will have it on Friday, along with the security of knowing there are funds easily available in case of emergency. Not like I won the lottery or anything, but if I have to buy tires for my car I can.
Forcing myself out into society. March 16th I went out and picked up my dry cleaning, and forced myself to stop at the mall. My intent was to just look around the book store then wander the mall. I barely made it out of the bookstore without a complete meltdown. There were so many people I couldn't feel safe. By the time I got home I was shaking so bad I could barely take my anxiety medication.
March 17th I was asked to meet a new person at a local bar for the holiday. The only way I managed was to take the anti-anxiety med an hour before I left, and then still felt really anxious. I couldn't back out, no phone numbers to call and cancel. It was so hard just to go to a public place to meet a new person for a drink. I did it. I'm glad I did. The man I met there is so nice.
Just because he is who he is, I'm looking at the other garbage that exploded out of my mind. Men can really listen, show they care and do a bit of care taking while they're at it. I hope, if nothing else, I have the opportunity to develop a life-long friendship with him.
When were younger we place a lot of importance in appearances. That changes over the years, because your appearance changes and gravity takes over, the most important thing I should have looked for in a partner is his conversational abilities. How smart is he? And yes his nurturing side toward me.
When I met the man I married, there were so many red flags that I didn't pay attention to, my life began to feel like a raging river, one that I was being flung down, just trying to escape serious injury. I finally washed up ashore too many years later fearing everything that moves, unable to remember (as I said earlier) how to take care of myself because I was taking care of everybody else. I was ignored. This can't go on any longer. I should have stood up for myself years ago, and now it's hard to remove the albatross of 20+ years of marriage.
So good things did explode out of that mess. I remember how much I love Art. I remember how much the male form intrigues me to want to study it and photograph it. I remember how much I love to travel and learn new things in the world. I remember how much I love languages. There are so many things I want to do. The first thing I want to do is go to Devils Lake with a picnic and a book on a sunny day. Sit under a tree to enjoy the cool breeze, reading, in the company of a man who doesn't mind sitting there with me. Perhaps do some sunbathing.
I want to go to Door County in the fall and see the leaves turning colors.
I want to go to YellowStone to see the wild life.
I want to get in my car one Friday and drive west until I get tired and see where I've ended up.
I want to go to Ely and canoe and camp the Boundry Waters maybe see some wolves.
I want it go to Diamond State Park in Arkansas to see if I could dig up some real diamonds.
I want to find someone who will love me unconditionally and hold my hand and take this journey with me.
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